Tired of "you don't owe anyone anything"
I'm afraid we've normalised pushing for an hyper individualistic society
This is something I have been thinking about a lot recently. Actually, probably since the pandemic, because I believe it was the turning point for all the online discourse about it and also when I started noticing more individualistic narratives popping up.
A phrase that rubs me the wrong way is “you don’t owe anyone anything”. Because while yes, technically, maybe, we could agree that that’s true, we need other people, we are social animals, and if we want to live happy fulfilled lives we need to interact with others and take care of each other. And that, I’m sorry to say, takes effort. But when you are there for your loved ones, you are also showing up for you. Not in the sense of a transaction where I will do something because I expect you to repay me in some way in the future, but because there is value and meaning in sharing life with those we care about.
I always come back to this Sally Rooney video, where she talks about this:
That is not to say that boundaries are not necessary and that you should not take care of yourself and protect your peace. By all means rest, take time for yourself and avoid situations that could hurt you. But do not take it to a level where that protection cuts you out from the world and from finding the right people.
I try to remind myself (as an anxious person) that chaos and discomfort are part of life and by trying to avoid them by all means what we might end up avoiding is life itself. I’ve met the most interesting people and had the most fun those days when I almost decided to stay home.
The discourse about “protecting your peace” was obviously born with the right intention but we might have overcorrected and taken it to a level where sometimes it means being hyper individualistic and acting as if we are not connected to others and our actions do not have an impact around us.
Lately I hear a lot about people wanting to have a village but at the same time saying they don’t want to be inconvenienced. But the truth is, if you want a village, you have to be a villager. The only way to build a strong community is through actions: help your friend move, pick a loved one from the airport, cook for your friend who just had a baby. Show up. And do not do it because you expect something in return but because it is your way to be around others, to be human, to exist.
Humans thrive in community. We cannot exist on our own.
What I’ve liked:
I’m in my Neapolitan quartet era. I had read My brilliant friend years ago but I was living abroad and couldn’t get ahold of the next books in Spanish so I put the series aside for a while. A month ago I re-read it and now I am flying through the rest of the quartet. I assume most of you reading this would have read them already but if you hadn’t: please pick them up. You won’t regret it!
Obsessed with Kate Ireland’s instagram profile, her words and videos.
Revisiting this glorious album.
And of course I will be listening to Taylor Swift’s entire discography to celebrate her owning her masters.
No puede ser!!!!! Iba a escribir un post así pero te me adelantaste. Llevo meses pensando en justo esto, lo ridícula que es la frase "no le debes nada a nadie". Cómo que no?! Le debo literalmente todo a los demás! Gracias a los barrenderos por limpiar las calles, a la panadera por prepararme pan, a los médicos, a los taxistas, a los fontaneros, a todo el mundo!!
Y por cierto, 10/10 el Carrie&Lowell 🙌🏻